Not enough butter

Here's what I notice: When I feel like I have more than enough - time, money, energy -  I feel generous. It's delightful to give. I'm warm, welcoming, at ease. When I don't have enough - whatever that means to me -  not only do I have nothing to give, I feel stingy. I'm guarded about every ask, slightly resentful of every intrusion. (Or significantly resentful, if I don't love the person doing the intruding.)

Guilt says give anyway. Sacrifice. Sometimes that feels right and is the thing to do. It isn't sustainable as a long-term lifestyle. Using yourself up doesn't serve in the long run, and barely scraping by doesn't leave room to do your best work. Just listen to that - scraping. It's the sound of a knife on toast without nearly enough butter.

I say these things because I need to hear them. Last week was a scraping-by week for me. I had just enough spoons to get through the basic necessities, and not one more. By Sunday, I was beginning to come around, but now it's time to hop back on the hamster wheel again, and I'm not sure there's enough butter for the toast. So what to do?

  1. Scrape by again. Depressing, but doable if temporary. There will have to be a reckoning, though. You can't just keep borrowing butter from next week over and over again.
  2. Find some cream. Take breaks, find as many moments as possible to replenish and savor throughout the day. Make new butter from that.
  3. Reduce the amount of toast. Slow down, do less.
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